IT!!!!

We have reached the half-way point in our little journey of deployment.  Actually more than half but I've been procrastinating writing this.  It's two weeks until Craig is home for mid-tour leave and I've become fixated one thing.  I feel like I'm being starved in a dungeon and my jailer reminds me that in two weeks I'm going to have a turkey dinner.  I'm going to wreck that turkey dinner.  Ian McEwan described it wonderfully in the book I just finished "Saturday";

"...thier movements are quick and greedy, urgent rather than joyous - it is as if they've returned from exile, emerged from a hard prison cell to gorge at a feast.  Their appetites are noisy, their manners are rough.  They can't quite trust their luck, they want all they can get in a short time.  They also know that at the end, after they've reclaimed each other, is the promise of oblivion."

Have you guessed what this blog post is about?

If you haven't guessed, be warned, this one is about sex.  Nothing graphic, this isn't a porn blog.  But if you're yucked out by the idea of me having a sex-life, I'm talking to you Mom, you might want to sit this one out.

I miss sex.  This should not come as a news-flash to anyone.  If the person you love is on the other side of the planet one thing that you'll notice, even if you notice nothing else, is the loss of physical companionship.  As it gets closer and closer to him being hear, little by little I'm able to allow myself to think about it.  I think if I thought about it as much as I wanted to I would have driven myself to total insanity apx 4 months ago.  Don't get me wrong.  I've gone long periods of time with out it, don't ask how long.  I just feel like this is more painful.  Having someone you love that loves you and not being able to share that can be torture.  I want to make one thing clear.  I'm not talking about intercourse.  Well, I am, but not exclusively.  I said I missed sex to one of my female friends and the response I got  was; "You should get a Vibrator." (when I said it to two male friends, one gay, one straight I got respectively; "Then have sex." and "Well I can help you out."  The latter comes from the hetero.  He was joking and yet, still creepy.)  None of these suggestions are useful for the following reasons.  First, I'm an adult woman, I already own a vibrator.  And, if for some reason I didn't, upon learning that my lover would be 7,500 miles away for a year it would have been one of my first purchases.  Second, I'm relatively cute and been known to be charming.  So, if I were so inclined, I could bone any night of the week.  That's not what I miss and not what I mean.

When I say sex I don't mean just the act.  I mean the whole thing.  The way he looks at me when we're sitting next to each other.  I can see out of my peripheral vision him looking at my neck.  Him holding my hand in a movie theater and putting it in his lap.  Not vulgar, just comfortably intimate.  That look he gives me when he wants to go home.  The "Let's blow this pop-stand" look.  The routine of getting ready for bed.  The total lack of self-consciousness.  The pretense at going to sleep before he rolls over to snuggle and smell my hair beginning an almost effortless, lazy, affectionate seduction.  Or, if the mood strikes, we jump urgently toward it.  The knowing that we are both free to give and take as we like.  To be selfish or generous and know that it can switch without discussion.  Embracing awkward moments that don't quite work and melting into ones that do.  Knowing I can go right to sleep after if I want to or that we could stay up all night just to do it all over again in the morning.  I miss knowing someone like that.  I miss him.  I miss his energy, his spirit, his breath, his warmth.

Gwad, I do sound antsy.  The frustration is driving me banana-pancakes.  I miss him--I guess this is just another part of that.  Thanks for listening.

This Week in Emailing (10/03/10-10/09/10)

I know it's a bit premature but this goes along with the birthday post and I thought it was pretty great!


"now on to more important things...i TOLD YOU they would make fun of me cuz of that sweater... i was dubbed 'the gay racecar driver'.  i still like the way it smells. and it is well done. just not my style...especially in a war zone. doesnt make me love it any less though. thanx again for the best bday present ive gotten in quite a few years."

This email is funny to me because it makes him sound 11 years old.  It also doesn't help that he still doesn't capitalize anything.  When we talked on the phone he mentioned shaving his head but didn't say anything about his pinkies being blown off so I'm going to assume that the shift key is broken on his computer and using caps-lock is too difficult.

PS What his unit doesn't know is that he is a gay race-car driver.
PPS  I think we've hit upon his new nickname.

Happy Birthday Craigory!!!

What day is today?  It's the Sgt's birthday.  What a day for a birthday.  Let's all have some cake.

Good news all around.  Woke-up this morning to a phone call from the great man himself.  Almost no one calls me in the morning and I didn't recognize the number so I didn't answer it.  He left a message and called again.  I looked at the number and thought; "If they're calling twice it could be important."  When I answered the phone I didn't recognize his voice.  In my defense I hadn't heard his rumbling growl in two and half months.  Here is a transcript of that first exchange as best as I can remember it.  Keep in mind that I was just waking up.

Me: Hello?
Craig: Hey.
Me: Hi? (still trying to figure out who it is.)
Craig: What time is it there?  Shouldn't you be up by now?
Me: (sudden realization) Oh my God!  Hey, baby!!

For the first few minutes I let him do all of the talking.  I have to admit, I was a bit gitty listening to him. The last time we spoke was the weekend of my brother's wedding at the end of July.  It's a funny thing.  I feel like I hear from him pretty often but under any other circumstances not hearing someone's voice for two months would be considered ridiculous.  I guess everything is relative.  One thing I noticed was the conversation got a bit choppy.  We email quite a bit (at his FOB there's no IM or Skype because they take up too much band-width and slow the internet down too much) and I think our brains are used to that sort of communication.  It's weird to have questions answered right after they're asked.  It made me nervous.  Plus, I think I've forgotten how to read his inflection.  He's in such a different place right now.  He sounds angry and tried and in real-life that would be a cause for concern but in his "other" life I think that's probably just normal.

"Angry" is the new "Normal"

We talked about his leave coming up and what he wants to do with his time.  We talked about how we're both excited and nervous.  He told me he looks different now.  I realized I haven't seen a picture of him in six months.  He shaved his head, is apparently ripped (all they do is work and workout) and he has no idea if he's lost weight or gained it.  He says that he drinks so much water right now that he has no idea what will happen when he's state-side and doesn't need to.  It's gonna be a wild ride seeing how this leave goes. 

On a happy note.  Let's have a big hip-hip for the US postal service.  I was so nervous it wouldn't get there but his birthday package arrived right on time.  He liked all the things I got for him.  He was nervous that I got him DVDs that he already owned but I won the day on that score.  Not only did he not have them, they are perfect for him.  Hooray for me!!!  He didn't, however, like the sweat shirt that I made for him.  It was actually a sweat shirt he gave to me before he left.  I sewed some cool stripes across the front.  I thought that I improved it but I guess it's not quite his style (plus civvies are not strictly allowed).  Oh well, not everyone can be as rad as me.

Here is Craig's birthday package.  I think the sweat shirt looks awesome.

We talked for about an hour before he had to get off the phone.  There's always a line of guys waiting.  I always feel a vague depression when we get off the phone.  I never know when I'm going to hear from him again and that leaves me pretty sad sometimes.  It's always a double-edged sword.

Well that was Craig's birthday.  See you next time.

It's OCTOBER!!!!!

I'm just so excited!!!  Craig is going to be here in 20 days and I'm totally crazy about it.

The closer it gets to him being here the more scared I get.  I'm already putting a lot of presser on myself to make everything perfect and I know things are just not going to go according to plan and I'm going to feel like it's all my fault.  I know it's totally silly.  I just need to enjoy myself.  Part of me feels like if I just get all these fears and feelings out now that when he is here I can just be in the moment and I will have let go of all this stuff.  Here's hoping anyway.

The seemingly endless suck! PS This one's a downer.

I'm in a very odd relationship.  And while this is not a relationship blog, it is as much about relationships as anything else.  I have nothing to relate this to in any past experience.  Day to day I try to glase it over.  I try to make it sound like no big deal.  I even do it to you, dear reader.  Trying to relate this thing to normal things in life. But it's not normal.  Sometimes having Craig gone just feels like a series of complaints.  The truth of the matter is;

THIS SUCKS, IN STERIO, THIS SUCKS!

I got a big reminder of it yesterday.  I was having a rough day and I was feeling pretty down in the dumps.  I confronted a fear that had been upsetting me for several months.  I sent Craig an email telling about my day and how difficult it felt and blah, blah, blah.  I got it all out and in a way that felt good.  He emailed me back and was very sweet and supportive and said some things I wanted to hear, some things I didn't.  It balanced out to be "all the right things".  He really couldn't have said it better in person but it still felt insufficient.  It's in these moments that I realize how blank this thing really is.  Because, while email is great and phones are available and I hear from him fars more than any of my fore-mothers in war gone by ever did, there is still an emptiness in all this that can't be filled.  Because it's moments like this where words or even actions aren't enough or maybe they're too much.  I realized as I was falling a sleep very depressed that I didn't need anyone to say anything.  I didn't need anyone to do anything.  I just needed someone to be there.  To have someone else's energy there with me to keep me from floating away.  That is when my ability to see the silver-lining ended.

This is a real downer.  Sorry about that.  He'll be here in 3 weeks so there is every reason to believe that he'll be able to revive my ability to hope.

   

Little Boy Blue (this also counts as "This week in Emailing" because it's an email from Craig)

I had no idea what I was going to write about this week.  I started three different blog ideas but was getting nowhere and getting pretty impatient with Craig who I hadn't heard from in six days.  Then this morning I woke up to the following email and not only did he give me the fix I'd been needing he also fixed my problem.

Craig with his friend Lyda.  Aren't his eyes so blue?

A little bit of back story.  Craig has the most amazing blue eyes, like lazer-beams.  I first called him Blue-Lazer, then Blue now it's Little Boy Blue.  He hates them all and I think that's what I like best about them.

Craig sent me the following email in an attempt it get me to think of another.  I'm considering it.

Miss you bunches batgirl. and you really gotta get over this lazer blue thing. really, its beneath you. youre an actress, comedianne, writer...creativity is your whole life. You can come up with somethin better than a poorman's excuse for an American Gladiator's moniker. I understand your stubborn streak and natural sense of defiance. I like that part of you so much. You ain't some bimbo who does what she's told. But c'mon, take a step back from it and you'll realize that no one is called that because it doesn't demean the person who's title it is...it demeans the person who came up with said title. And that simply put makes it the Anti-Nickname.

Nickname rules: 

1. must be either a derision of an obvious physical trait or a subtle inside joke that only close friends are aware of.

2. must have a funny story to back up proposed nickname.

3. must be accepted by friends and/or relatives (subject/victim has little say in choosing but a good nickname is something he/she embraces).

4. shortenings of given and surnames are accepted, but are a worst case scenario (this also includes adding the suffix -y to given names). these are to be used sparingly and only in circumstances where embarrassing examples cannot be applied. see appx. 1.

5. true nicknames are predominately for men. as most women haven't the thick skin and emotional security that comes from years of torture, torment and lets face it, a complete lack of sophistication and intelligence.

6. the final and most important rule: Nicknames ARE NOT the same as Petnames.

Appendix 1: Petnames

The differences between a nickname and petname can be categorized in specific and general terms. In general, the difference is simply between intimate relations (i.e. committed sexual relationships: men/women, women/women, men/men, men/goats, catherine the great/horses, etc.). But that is an unsophisticated baseline categorization. The more subtle tale between Nick and Petnames are as follows: Petnames are usually thought of by girls to separate themselves and their partner from everyone else thereby enhancing the reality or illusion of intimacy (you ever hear a man called pookie or snookums  by their bar buddies? exception includes a 5 minute to 5 day rant by said friends when they hear a given Petname in public, usually on accident - Note: always the girls fault!). A Petname is an approved form of teasing towards women by their significant other. If you were to call a girlfriend or wife 'fatass', say goodbye to your testicles. however, a tactically placed Petname (usually either a half-truth, irony, or satire of a complete falsehood) can be an acceptable way of poking fun at said significant other (i.e. calling your skinny girlfriend 'fluffy', 'plumpy', 'tons of fun') - Note: be warned, not every woman has a sense of humor about herself and her natural insecurities. A Petname is obviously concocted when the relationship has solidified. Any Petname created before this point is null and void, and also a little creepy (or such name could become a candidate for Nickname status, but it must be voted on by a panel of close friends of the same gender as the namee). Finally, a Petname tends to have a minimum of 50/50 percent for the cute to teasing ratio; whereas a Nickname usually has 0/100 percent for the cute/teasing ratio. In conclusion, Nicknames are for public use by guys, and Petnames are for private use by couples.

So where does Lazer Blue (what does the other B stand for anyway?) stand? Decidedly too nice, too obvious and common a physical trait referenced, and too lame for a Nickname. Ergo, it MUST be a Petname. But not a very good one at that. 

Now would probably be a good time to tell you i hate Petnames. But as they go, this one doesnt make me want to vomit. Its just annoying in the wrong way. I think you can do better.

So thats my tirade for the month. hope you enjoy it. and youre more than welcome to sample it for your blog. it isnt book related, but hell, who are we kidding? that blog has as much to do with literature as military has to do with intelligence!

miss ya batgirl (can i comment on how cool it is that I gave you a nickname - it qualifies, even though your friends dont use it - and you like/tolerate it! ive never known a girl that cool, until you.)

until our next email,

Shy...Chuck...Copper...or is it Deadguy?

PS. i really dont care what you call me. i just felt like teasing you and giving you a hard time...for shits and giggles.

Isn't he adorable?

Introducing a new segment here at AGBC. I call it "This week in Emailing"

Here is where I sift through the emails of the week and find my favorite quote from among Craig's correspondence (and maybe some runners-up as well if the pool is really awesome.)  So without further ado
"THIS WEEK IN EMAILING" (for 09/13/10 - 09/19/10)

Grand Prize goes to a description of a care-package recently received from me.

"i did get you package. it was very sweet. everything in it was terribly useful and perfect. although if you send a scented letter next time remember that i live with a bunch of stank ass dudes...it was too much awesome! i literally pull it out every so often and waft it once about three feet from my face and the room smells like you for at least 2 hours." 

I like this one for a number of reasons.  #1 is the use of the term "stank-ass dudes".  He does have a flair for verbal fuckery.
Also, I particularly enjoy his attempt at chastising me byway of paying me a compliment.  He does this in verbal conversation too.  He'll dance a bone-headed circle around a point until I'm not quite sure what it is he wants, if anything at all.
Furthermore, I like that he takes the letter in question out periodically.  Maybe he'll take it out long enough to read it one of these days.
Please note there is one thing that does bother me.  He's stopped capitalizing altogether.  Should I be concerned?  I know the shift key is all the way over at the side of the keyboard but his pinkies seemed large enough to make the trip when last I saw them.  Could they have strunk?

Thank you to all entrants into this weeks contest.  Honorable mention goes to: "could use your help in locating 2 flicks."  For use of the word "Flicks".