GOOD THINGS

Lately I've been finding myself dwelling on what sucks about this. What I don't have and what I wish I had. Lately the only time I've felt good about Craig being gone is when I don't think about it. But the truth is that it isn't all bad. If it was I wouldn't be writing a blog. I'd be dating some some British Bass player. But I'm not because this person, with all his faults, makes me hope for the best and makes "wait and see" seem reasonable. So, for this blog, I thought I'd take a little time to point out the good stuff. If only to pull myself out of the dumps, which are lame and also for suckers.

Good thing number one. There is something very Edwardian about being in love with a man in far off places. It has been long know about me that I am ever so slightly obsessed with the British Naval Tradition. It has most recently been illustrated in my reading of eight or so Patrick O'Brien books and watching Master and Commander like...I don't know...I'm guessing, approximately...one-million times. It's fascinating!! And anyone who doesn't think so is probably sane and not a dork like me. Anyway, the couples that lived within this world were separated for long periods of time. The distance creates a resonance between them. The way a violin string can be stretched and stretched and as it gets pulled it becomes sweeter and at times, sadder. Sometimes making an aching sound full longing and sometimes one of joy.

Good thing number two. When communication is very limited that limitation makes it valuable. When facebook can tell me what half my friends are eating for lunch a real email from someone who has half and hour of internet access at a time is special. In an age when communication is so instant I still get to have moments of anticipation. Having to wait can be very romantic. And there is nothing quite like a love letter. Now it's not like we're using carrier pigeons or, god forbid, snail mail but even the little bit of waiting is excruciatingly wonderful. And I get gems like this;

"i hope writing helps you as much as it does me. i'm becoming slightly more self aware. i now have surpassed the self-awareness of a sea sponge! look at me, I'm evolving!"

and

" i just have to cowboy the fuck up and sort out my own shit." (PS I have no idea where he got this phrase. He grew up in LA. The closest he's ever been to "cowboy-ing the fuck up" is a horseback ride through Griffith Park.)

Good thing number three. My life is all my own. No answering to nobody. (Except my mother.) It's like I don't have to be lonely a'cause I have a boyfriend and we've got that achy voiliny thing going on. But I also have total autonomy. It's like the best of both worlds. (and also the shit parts of both worlds but we're not talking about that right now.)

Good thing number four. My patriotic duty is totally done. My apathy-guilt factor is knocked down like 25%.

Plus, I'm here, not there. I get to wake up everyday in my own bed and live my boring, but safe, life. I get to sit and traffic in my good-old car and reach over to my passenger seat and remember holding his hand in that self-same car. I get to watch my brother get married and see my family. I get go to bed every night knowing I'm in no danger.

In the end I do get to be in love with a wonderful person who happens to be on the other side of the planet. My life is pretty great.