IT!!!!

We have reached the half-way point in our little journey of deployment.  Actually more than half but I've been procrastinating writing this.  It's two weeks until Craig is home for mid-tour leave and I've become fixated one thing.  I feel like I'm being starved in a dungeon and my jailer reminds me that in two weeks I'm going to have a turkey dinner.  I'm going to wreck that turkey dinner.  Ian McEwan described it wonderfully in the book I just finished "Saturday";

"...thier movements are quick and greedy, urgent rather than joyous - it is as if they've returned from exile, emerged from a hard prison cell to gorge at a feast.  Their appetites are noisy, their manners are rough.  They can't quite trust their luck, they want all they can get in a short time.  They also know that at the end, after they've reclaimed each other, is the promise of oblivion."

Have you guessed what this blog post is about?

If you haven't guessed, be warned, this one is about sex.  Nothing graphic, this isn't a porn blog.  But if you're yucked out by the idea of me having a sex-life, I'm talking to you Mom, you might want to sit this one out.

I miss sex.  This should not come as a news-flash to anyone.  If the person you love is on the other side of the planet one thing that you'll notice, even if you notice nothing else, is the loss of physical companionship.  As it gets closer and closer to him being hear, little by little I'm able to allow myself to think about it.  I think if I thought about it as much as I wanted to I would have driven myself to total insanity apx 4 months ago.  Don't get me wrong.  I've gone long periods of time with out it, don't ask how long.  I just feel like this is more painful.  Having someone you love that loves you and not being able to share that can be torture.  I want to make one thing clear.  I'm not talking about intercourse.  Well, I am, but not exclusively.  I said I missed sex to one of my female friends and the response I got  was; "You should get a Vibrator." (when I said it to two male friends, one gay, one straight I got respectively; "Then have sex." and "Well I can help you out."  The latter comes from the hetero.  He was joking and yet, still creepy.)  None of these suggestions are useful for the following reasons.  First, I'm an adult woman, I already own a vibrator.  And, if for some reason I didn't, upon learning that my lover would be 7,500 miles away for a year it would have been one of my first purchases.  Second, I'm relatively cute and been known to be charming.  So, if I were so inclined, I could bone any night of the week.  That's not what I miss and not what I mean.

When I say sex I don't mean just the act.  I mean the whole thing.  The way he looks at me when we're sitting next to each other.  I can see out of my peripheral vision him looking at my neck.  Him holding my hand in a movie theater and putting it in his lap.  Not vulgar, just comfortably intimate.  That look he gives me when he wants to go home.  The "Let's blow this pop-stand" look.  The routine of getting ready for bed.  The total lack of self-consciousness.  The pretense at going to sleep before he rolls over to snuggle and smell my hair beginning an almost effortless, lazy, affectionate seduction.  Or, if the mood strikes, we jump urgently toward it.  The knowing that we are both free to give and take as we like.  To be selfish or generous and know that it can switch without discussion.  Embracing awkward moments that don't quite work and melting into ones that do.  Knowing I can go right to sleep after if I want to or that we could stay up all night just to do it all over again in the morning.  I miss knowing someone like that.  I miss him.  I miss his energy, his spirit, his breath, his warmth.

Gwad, I do sound antsy.  The frustration is driving me banana-pancakes.  I miss him--I guess this is just another part of that.  Thanks for listening.