The seemingly endless suck! PS This one's a downer.

I'm in a very odd relationship.  And while this is not a relationship blog, it is as much about relationships as anything else.  I have nothing to relate this to in any past experience.  Day to day I try to glase it over.  I try to make it sound like no big deal.  I even do it to you, dear reader.  Trying to relate this thing to normal things in life. But it's not normal.  Sometimes having Craig gone just feels like a series of complaints.  The truth of the matter is;

THIS SUCKS, IN STERIO, THIS SUCKS!

I got a big reminder of it yesterday.  I was having a rough day and I was feeling pretty down in the dumps.  I confronted a fear that had been upsetting me for several months.  I sent Craig an email telling about my day and how difficult it felt and blah, blah, blah.  I got it all out and in a way that felt good.  He emailed me back and was very sweet and supportive and said some things I wanted to hear, some things I didn't.  It balanced out to be "all the right things".  He really couldn't have said it better in person but it still felt insufficient.  It's in these moments that I realize how blank this thing really is.  Because, while email is great and phones are available and I hear from him fars more than any of my fore-mothers in war gone by ever did, there is still an emptiness in all this that can't be filled.  Because it's moments like this where words or even actions aren't enough or maybe they're too much.  I realized as I was falling a sleep very depressed that I didn't need anyone to say anything.  I didn't need anyone to do anything.  I just needed someone to be there.  To have someone else's energy there with me to keep me from floating away.  That is when my ability to see the silver-lining ended.

This is a real downer.  Sorry about that.  He'll be here in 3 weeks so there is every reason to believe that he'll be able to revive my ability to hope.